Savin' All My Hate for You
by frostyfreezyfreeze54
Summary: Valentine's Day is once again here. Jaylynn has her first major crush, but when she does a little too much to get her love interest's attention, it might be up to Sparky to save her from being played for a fool. Also, RK finally confronts his feelings for Ashley. But will it be worth it?
1. Savin' All My Hate for You Script

_Thank You, Heavenly_

Theme Song: "...To Be Loved" by Papa Roach (this episode only)

SEASON 2

EPISODE 15

Airdate: February 9, 2014

Title: Savin' All My Hate For You (Valentine's Day episode)

Segway Segment: RoundTable ("What's your take on this whole Justin Bieber media hoopla?")

Satire/Social Commentary: None

Special Guest Stars: None

(black screen; a message in white lettering shows up on the screen)

"Congratulations to this year's NFL champions, the Seattle Seahawks. Yeah, we saw the Super Bowl too. It was a flat-out disgrace. We witnessed an amazing performance, but we witnessed a terrible game. The best defense in football massacred the best offense in football. Who told Peyton Manning to play like Eli on a good day? This must be how it feels to be a Mets fan. Yes, we were rooting for the Broncos and they disgraced not only themselves, but the NFL and all of America. I wonder how Tom Brady felt knowing that could've been his team getting smacked around. It was Super Bowl XLIV all over again: Another black eye on Peyton Manning's postseason record."

(long pause; nothing appears on the screen for a bit)

"Maybe the Broncos should've used that evil plot, huh?"

SCENE 1

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

(Jaylynn is sitting at a table by herself and she's staring at Emily Marquez like a lovesick puppy. Emily is at another table with her friends. Sparky is approaching the table with his lunch.)

JAYLYNN: Beautiful.

SPARKY: It's just pot roast, Jaylynn. But I guess if you look at it from an artistic point of view...

JAYLYNN: No, I meant the girl at the table across from us. Long black hair? Glasses?

SPARKY: I mean, the rather bland look of the pot roast covers its simplicity, but the taste is more of a savory example of the lost persistence, and eventual triumph over hundreds of years.

JAYLYNN: SPARKY!

SPARKY: Oh, I thought you wanted to hear my artistic analysis on lunchmeat. No one ever does. But you know who that girl is, right?

JAYLYNN: No. All I know is that I am SO digging on her.

SPARKY: Well, I'll be an uncle's monkey. Looks like Jaylynn has her first crush. On Emily Marquez, no less.

JAYLYNN: More like my second. Or third. But this is love. You know her?

SPARKY: Yeah, she's pretty cool. Whenever she's not with her friends. I feel like she tries to act bad when she's around them.

JAYLYNN: Oh, so she's a badass too? Now I'm in love even more.

SPARKY: You should make the moves on her, Jay. Go for it.

JAYLYNN: Are you kidding? I bet she's in the fifth grade. She's really popular, and she'd never go for someone like me. Besides, I don't even think she's lesbian.

SPARKY: Bisexual?

JAYLYNN: Doubt that too.

SPARKY: Look, Jaylynn, Valentine's Day is right around the corner. This is the perfect time to get yourself a Valentine.

JAYLYNN: Eh, I'm not into that whole spreading love thing. That's something you're supposed to do in a relationship.

SPARKY: Yeah, but it's fun to throw obscene amounts of cash around to show your affection for someone who may or may not give a (bleep).

JAYLYNN: You make that sound like a bad thing.

SPARKY: Really?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, really bad and painful.

SPARKY: Repressed cynicism, I don't know. But Jaylynn, if you don't think you should make a move on Emily, at least...introduce yourself to her. Let that chick know you exist and want to be her friend. I bet she'll really like you.

JAYLYNN: Really? Thanks Sparky. In fact, I'm going to go over right now and do that. Hold my hat?

(Jaylynn gives Sparky her beanie, with various purple skulls on it)

SPARKY: You're taking off your hat?

JAYLYNN: I'm a lady, I need to show Emily my beautiful features. Why don't YOU wear it, Alex Mack?

(Jaylynn walks over to Emily's table)

SPARKY: There is nothing I say or do that makes me similar to Alex Mack! Seriously, why does everyone keep saying that?

(Wade gives Sparky a ticket)

SPARKY: Wade, what the hell are you doing?

WADE: Making sure you use your idioms correctly. I heard you say "uncle's monkey" instead of "monkey's uncle." Next time you pull that crap, I won't be so nice.

(Wade kicks Sparky in his right leg for good measure, and he walks away while Sparky writhes in pain on the floor)

SCENE 2

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

(RK and Buster are walking through the halls together, and RK seems to really notice all the Valentine's Day decorations the school has put up)

RK: Look at this mindless garbage, Buster.

BUSTER: What are you talking about?

RK: Valentine's Day. The one time a year where every man on Earth has to be Superman and act like he's really in love with his partner. And it's all coated in money-grubbing corporate greed and a capitalistic nation's ridiculous consumerism. It's times like this I wish the white man wasn't holding us down.

BUSTER: RK, YOU'RE white! The only person who's holding himself down is you!

RK: I know that. I hate racism, but for some reason, I'm addicted to white man jokes.

BUSTER: I don't know why you're so bitter when it comes to Valentine's Day anyway. Just ask Ashley to be your Valentine.

RK: No way, Mary May! I am NOT letting Ashley Rodriguez know a damn thing about my feelings for her.

BUSTER: RK, it's been three months since you realized your attraction. Pretty soon, she's going to realize it. I mean, she's already asked you once if you have a crush on her and you dodged the question.

RK: Hey, since when did you of all people start using logic and reason?

BUSTER: My intelligence varies depending on the situation. And we're a lot alike, so whenever you're over here shucking and jiving about Dawkins knows what, I have to call you out on it.

RK: Oh, so now you're calling me a black guy? I'm Caucasian, Buster. It's cock and Asian. Get it right.

BUSTER: Boy, love sure makes you stupid, doesn't it?

RK: And it makes you a wise guy who shouldn't be as smart as he is right now.

BUSTER: And hurtful too.

ASHLEY: Hi guys. You ready for Valentine's Day?

BUSTER: A little bit.

(in his head) RK: Ashley, your tits are ripping out the shirt and your jeans make me want to fall unconscious. I want to do so many things to you, but I can't say it because I'm a gentleman.

(RK takes a deep breath)

RK: Ashley...I would like...to do the yum-yum bouncy bounce with you.

(Ashley smacks RK and leaves angrily)

BUSTER: Dude, that was a Dig'em smack!

RK: No, because I didn't smack her back. That's the joke.

BUSTER: Oh...so THIS is what the status quo feels like. Hmm.

SCENE 3

The Huie Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

EMILY: This is a really nice place you've got here.

JAYLYNN: You mean it?

EMILY: Of course! This house is boss.

JAYLYNN: Well, I do my best to make my houses boss.

EMILY: And you're funny? You know, I don't understand why I never talked to you before.

JAYLYNN: Maybe your heart was still searching for someone.

EMILY: What are you talking about?

(Jaylynn sighs)

JAYLYNN: Look, Emily, I need to be honest. I really like you. Like, a real crush on you. You see, I'm lesbian.

(long pause)

JAYLYNN: You should probably go, I know what you think.

EMILY: I don't care that you're lesbian. And I sure as hell don't care that you have feelings for me.

JAYLYNN: You don't?

EMILY: No. That doesn't take away from how cool I think you are. But you should know that I'm straight. And I'm in a relationship too.

(really disappointed) JAYLYNN: Oh.

EMILY: Jaylynn, I don't want you to get the wrong idea. I want to be friends with you, but, a relationship between us, no. It can't work out.

JAYLYNN: I guess so.

EMILY: But hey. If your feelings are that strong, then you won't mind if I did this...

(Emily kisses Jaylynn on the cheek)

(beaming) JAYLYNN: Oh my freaking God! What was that for?!

EMILY: You deserve it. You proved to me that you're not fake. Just keep it between us, OK?

JAYLYNN: Sure.

EMILY: I have to go meet my boyfriend at his house. See you tomorrow!

JAYLYNN: Bye, angel.

EMILY: Huh?

JAYLYNN: No, take a piece of the angel food cake conveniently placed next to the door for transitional purposes.

EMILY: Oh, thanks. Later!

JAYLYNN: Later!

(Emily leaves with a piece of the cake)

JAYLYNN: This has been one of the best nights of my life.

(Jaylynn falls on her couch)

JAYLYNN: I'm crazy for Emily.

SCENE 3

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

RK is annoying Buster with one of his stories.

RK: And so I told Sanna, "We have to get to my house as fast as possible so we can watch _Pretty Little Liars. _I don't give a DAMN if you have asthma." Buster? Buster?! BUSTER?!

(RK throws an empty can of Coca-Cola at Buster's head)

BUSTER: Dude, your story sucks! And why would you throw a can at me?

RK: Keep in mind that I could've poured the Coke down your shirt when I still had it. And my story doesn't suck! It's a hilarious tale of determination and woe!

BUSTER: RK, for days, you've been driving me up the walls! You've become so anal-retentive and corny, it's unbearable! Seriously, you're more annoying than black teenagers who use "be like" in 95% of their sentences.

CUTAWAY GAG

There are two black guys on the subway named Darrius and Curtis.

DARRIUS: And so I be like, "Nigga, get the (bleep) away from me!" And then he be like, "Let me carry your books." And then I be like, "Get your annoying gay nigga ass away from me before I take my sawed-off and blow your brains out!" And then he be like, following me around and shit, so I be like, "Bitch, I'm not playing around with your mother(bleep)ing ass. Stop following me around, and shut up, you pussy punk lesbian mother(bleep)er. If I grab my sawed-off, I'm going to shoot your gay-ass head off, nigga." And then he be like, and then I be like, that's the end.

CURTIS: Yo, you didn't even finish the story, man.

(long pause)

DARRIUS: And then you be like, talking to me in real-time and shit. That's a real nigga right there.

END OF CUTAWAY

RK: You know, Buster, maybe you're right. I mean, lately, Ashley has gotten really attractive and I just don't know what to do. We've also gotten a lot closer these past few weeks. I don't know what it is about Valentine's Day that makes me act so weird. I still can't believe I was planning to kill Kaily last year.

(Buster widens his eyes, taking his attention away from the pasta on his tray)

JAYLYNN: You know, isn't it a beautiful day for love?

(long pause)

RK: Jaylynn, did you listen to Drake again?

JAYLYNN: I'm just really happy. I can't remember the last time I've felt this way.

BUSTER: Hmmmmmmm, Jaylynn in a jovial mood? This must be a parallel universe or something.

RK: It's not that odd when you think about it. I guess anyone can be happy. Like the old saying goes, "One can of Budweiser later, you have a good time."

BUSTER: I've never heard that old saying.

RK: Yeah, I just made it up, which means it's old. In this generation, white girls think three months ago is a throwback.

JAYLYNN: Too bad Emily has a boyfriend.

RK: Emily? The bitch Emily Marquez? The one with the sweet pink lips?

JAYLYNN: You know her?

RK: Are you kidding? I made out with that eleven-year-old broad every day for six months. Then she kicks KG in the nuts for no reason, hits me with a Stone Cold Stunner, and breaks off the relationship like a sucka.

BUSTER: RK, that never happened. You made up that story on FanFiction.

RK: Oh yeah. Well, it got 500-plus views and 11 reviews so I think I did a good job. The point is, Emily is the kind of girl that needs to feel like her partner is in control.

JAYLYNN: OK. I'm a pretty assertive person.

RK: See that? It's our job as the other person in the relationship to make it as exciting as possible for our partner. Emily may have a boyfriend, but trust me, by Valentine's Day, she'll be kissing you.

JAYLYNN: Doubt it. She's also straight.

RK: Well, Jaylynn, I think your lips look pretty sexy.

JAYLYNN: Um...thanks?

RK: I don't like you like that, but you're a girl's wet dream, no doubt about it. And I think you can turn Emily lesbian, or bisexual as a consolation prize. Here. (RK takes a mint out of his pocket)

JAYLYNN: Why are you giving me a candy mint?

RK: It's a breath mint. I think Emily will appreciate it if you put in the determination to snag her. And bad breath is a serious no.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, but this is a candy mint.

RK: It's a breath mint, Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: It's a candy mint.

RK: It's a breath mint.

JAYLYNN: It's a candy mint.

RK: It's a breath mint!

JAYLYNN: It's a candy mint!

RK: It's a breath mint!

JAYLYNN: It's a candy mint!

BUSTER: IT'S TWO MINTS IN ONE, JUST TAKE THE (BLEEP) MINT!

(RK, Jaylynn, and about 80% of the other kids in the cafeteria are staring at Buster)

RK: Buster Carlisle Newman!

JAYLYNN: Calm down, buddy, it's just your everyday argument on mint classification.

BUSTER: THIS ISN'T NORMAL! THIS SHIT ISN'T NORMAL! I'm usually a very composed and happy-go-lucky guy, but you guys are pissing me off with the mint this and the Ashley that, and now all of these snot-nosed kids are staring at me like I'm...like I'm...(tired) like I'm Freddy Krueger. (holds his head) Ow. I'm going to go get some of Wade's Tylenol.

(Buster leaves the lunchroom while RK and Jaylynn stare at him)

JAYLYNN: Dude, I still think it's a candy mint.

(RK stares angrily at Jaylynn)

SCENE 4

The Huie Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

JAYLYNN: Oh, why hasn't my baby responded yet? I've already messaged her six times.

(An angel version of Jaylynn appears on her shoulder)

ANGEL JAYLYNN: Jaylynn, stop pestering Emily. You know she likes you, but you have to give her time.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, I guess you're right. Besides, I just met the kid.

(A devil version of Jaylynn appears on her other shoulder)

DEVIL JAYLYNN: That's quitter talk, you sap! You might be from Portland, but you're not part of the Trail Blazers! You can't lay down now! Keep at it and FORCE Emily to like you!

JAYLYNN: Of course! I have to be aggressive if I really want Emily.

ANGEL JAYLYNN: That's a horrible idea and I won't allow it.

DEVIL JAYLYNN: Shut up, bitch!

JAYLYNN: Yeah, shut up, bitch!

(The angel and devil versions of Jaylynn disappear)

JAYLYNN: Messaging her a few times more won't hurt.

SCENE 5

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

(to herself) JAYLYNN: You know, I just don't understand why people hate _Zoey 101._

(A girl shoves Jaylynn into a locker)

GIRL: You need to stop doing this annoying bullshit.

JAYLYNN: OK, fine, if it's a problem to everybody, I'll stop wearing this shirt.

(The shirt says "I Lost My Self-Respect Listening To People Complain About Family Guy" on the back)

GIRL: I don't mean the shirt, I mean Emily. I'm her best friend Lauren and if you know what's best for you, you'll stop acting like a stalker.

(The oh-oh-ohhhhhhh-oh from the _Big Time Rush _theme song plays in the background as Jaylynn doesn't know what to say)

SEGWAY SEGMENT

JAYLYNN: Hi, I'm Jaylynn Michelle Huie and this is the return of RoundTable. With recent pop culture developments, the question must be answered: "What's your take on this whole Justin Bieber media hoopla?" RK, you have the floor first.

RK: Thank you Jaylynn. His ass needs to be deported. Simple as that. Justin Bieber has been a black eye on our society for way too long and it's time to send him back to Canada. He keeps getting himself into trouble. The Anne Frank incident, the late concerts, the peeing in mop buckets, the spitting, the drag racing in private neighborhoods. He's just lucky no one has died because of his reckless bullshit.

SPARKY: Charlamagne said it best: It's only a matter of time before something really bad happens and Justin pays for it. I think hanging out with these rappers has really messed him up. That was probably how he started smoking marijuana. Plus, I also think the fame has caught up with him. He's started to take anti-depressants, half the world thinks he's gay. I telegraphed this like Charlamagne did. Justin needs to get out of the public eye because he's going to keep getting himself into trouble. He's not mature enough to deal with the fame yet.

BUSTER: I agree with Sparky. Justin Bieber is putting himself in situations where he can only fail and/or be a danger to the people around him. I'm not necessarily a fan of his personality. I can't stand Justin Bieber, the person. He's a role model to teenage white girls all over the world and he chooses to act like a douchebag. But I'm a pop guy, naturally. I think Bieber is naturally talented at making catchy pop music. He's one of the best pop artists in the game. I want to see him succeed and take his craft seriously so he can mature. But he's not gaining any brownie points if he continues to act like this.

WADE: I feel like this is all a way for Justin to make people see he's an adult now. No, he's not an adult. Justin is continuing to do irresponsible things like this because in his warped mind, it's the only way to make us see that he's not a little kid anymore. I know how hard it is for pop artists to gain acceptance, especially among adult males. But I think Justin needs to stop pulling a Miley Cyrus and trying to act grown-up. Look at One Direction. I at least respect them because they're able to naturally project the image that they're growing up. You can see it in their music too. _Midnight_ _Memories _showed a lot of maturity. Justin Bieber, I'm kind of over him at this point. We can't accept you as an adult if you beg me to accept you. It sounds like a cry for help to me._  
_

RK: I don't think he's trying to act grown-up. I just think the company he keeps and all that damn weed is implanting that kind of thought process. But it's a whatever thing. He needs to retire like he originally said he would. Or get deported.

(long pause)

JAYLYNN: And this has been another edition of RoundTable.

SCENE 6

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

JAYLYNN: How come you don't want me talking to Emily anymore?

LAUREN: It's obvious, Sherlock. You constantly call her, leave her stupid messages on Facebook that she intentionally ignores, and your stupid little crush is annoying her and her boyfriend.

JAYLYNN: I forgot she had one.

LAUREN: Yeah, Isaiah Weston. Jaylynn, you really need to wake up and realize that Emily wants nothing to do with you.

JAYLYNN: But I thought she wanted to be friends.

LAUREN: Yeah, not anymore. You had your shot and blew it. I'm not going to let some fourth-grade fag ruin my girl's relationship.

JAYLYNN: Fag?

LAUREN: Yeah, you're obviously a fag because you have some lame soap opera crush on my best friend. Look, I'm usually a nice person but you overstepped your boundaries, kid. Just be lucky I'm not Isaiah, because he would go off in an instant.

(Lauren walks away from Jaylynn, but turns back)

LAUREN: And if I ever find out you're on Emily's bozack again, you're going to get hurt.

(Lauren walks away from the scene while Jaylynn starts crying)

SCENE 7

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

(pacing) RK: This is terrible. Valentine's Day is right around the corner and I can't control my love for Ashley anymore. I haven't felt this mystified since the time I saw my first Baconator.

CUTAWAY GAG

RK is at Wendy's with Wade, looking at the Baconator.

RK: It's like poetry turned into food.

(Wade takes a second to look at the Baconator as well)

WADE: It's a (bleep) burger!

END OF CUTAWAY

RK: That's it! Ashley needs to know how I really feel. I'm going to devise a plan to make out with her using divine influence and the element...of opportunity. (camera pans on RK saying "of opportunity")

(RK sees Ashley in Mr. Aupont's class)

RK: My God, look at Ashley. She's like Topanga. You know, just without the stupid name and anal-retentive lifestyle. OK, all I need to do is figure out a plan to fall into Ashley's arms and lips accidentally. Using the form of a dream sequence.

(RK has his thinking face on)

(The dream sequence is RK walks into Mr. Aupont's class. He pretends to "trip" on the floor while saying, "OH, NICK MATEO!" and falling onto Ashley in an extremely exaggerated fashion.)

RK: I love you.

ASHLEY: I love you more.

(RK and Ashley start making out for some unexplainable reason)

RK: Yeah. That's exactly what should happen. You know, I don't understand why none of my plans have worked in the past.

(The music from _Arthur _that's used whenever a conflict builds up and the payoff happens in a matter of seconds plays in the background)

(RK carries on his plan to walk into Mr. Aupont's class. However, he literally ends up tripping over a book and crashing into Ashley while yelling "OH, NICK MATEO!"; Ashley also falls off her chair and the chair falls over)

RK: Hi Ashley. The sexual tension is really building up between us, isn't it?

(picking up her chair) ASHLEY: RK, get up. What the hell has been going on these past few months? You've started acting really weird around me for no reason and I want to know what's up.

RK: Damn, you're more dense than I thought. Look, Ashley, I need to tell you something really important. I have chlamydia.

ASHLEY: You don't have chlamydia!

(long pause)

RK: My son has chlamydia?

(Ashley blankly stares at RK)

RK: OK, look, Ashley, I'm in love with you. I've been head over heels in love with you for months now. I know in my heart that I don't want any other girl but you. And even though you may not return my feelings, I want to remain friends. I'll sacrifice my desires if it means our friendship stays intact.

ASHLEY: That's really nice.

RK: I thought you would say that. So, you think the Yankees have a championship team this season?

ASHLEY: But I don't want to be friends with you anymore.

(long pause)

RK: Where did you get that from me talking about the Yankees?

ASHLEY: RK, I understand that you have feelings for me, but I think it's for the best if I distance myself from you. I'm not looking for a relationship right now and you're really not my type.

RK: Yeah, but...

ASHLEY: Maybe one day, we can be friends again. But right now, it's just going to be really awkward and I don't want to have to deal with that. Sorry.

(RK looks down on the floor)

RK: You know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry I EVER decided to replace Sanna with you!

ASHLEY: RK, come on...

RK: I need to get to my seat.

(RK goes to his seat while wiping back tears)

SCENE 8

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

(Jaylynn is about to go into the principal's office when...)

EMILY: Hi Jaylynn.

JAYLYNN: You know, you have a lot of nerve talking to me. You sick your best friend on me and now you want to act like we're buddies again? No, (bleep) that. You already made up your mind. So guess what? I'm reporting Lauren for threatening me.

EMILY: Look, I acted really nasty and it was unfair to you to send Lauren. You just really pissed me off yesterday with all the messages and calling.

JAYLYNN: It's OK.

EMILY: So don't report my girl. You're a really great friend. You just need to respect my relationship.

JAYLYNN: Yeah. I do.

EMILY: Hey, why don't I buy you lunch tomorrow to make up for it?

JAYLYNN: Yeah, that would be really cool. Thanks!

EMILY: Any time.

(Jaylynn looks into Emily's eyes, and leans in to kiss her)

EMILY: Um, Jaylynn...

JAYLYNN: Sorry, force of habit.

SCENE 9

iCarly Elementary School

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

(Sparky hums the theme song to _Full House _as he walks towards his car)

SPARKY: I'm SO glad Halley's not into all that Valentine's Day junk. Of course, that DOES contradict last year but maybe she was just trying to get with me really bad.

(On the other side of the school, Emily is talking with Lauren and Isaiah)

EMILY: Yeah, she actually thinks we're still friends. That creep needs a reality check.

LAUREN: I almost feel bad having to teach that fag a lesson.

ISAIAH: She's an absolute loser. How does she have friends to begin with?

EMILY: I just need to pretend we're besties until Valentine's Day and then we can all take turns humiliating her.

(Emily, Lauren, and Isaiah all laugh and get in Emily's car while Sparky, having heard everything, gets in his car)

SPARKY: Oh my God.

SCENE 10

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

JAYLYNN: Stop playing around, Sparky.

SPARKY: YOU HAVE TO BELIEVE ME! Emily and her friends are just stroking you.

JAYLYNN: What?

SPARKY: Working you. They're working you. 85% of the time, I get those two confused. Look, I heard it at school before I got in my car. Emily's just pretending to be your friend so she and her REAL friends can screw you over on Valentine's Day.

JAYLYNN: I can't believe my best friend would do this to me.

SPARKY: What? Jaylynn, get the cotton out of your ears, take off your rose-colored glasses and stop seeing the world in black-and-white! Emily Marquez is poison. And if you won't believe ME over someone you met a couple weeks ago, you can get out of my house!

(seconds later, Jaylynn is angrily leaving the house while an angry Sparky slams the front door)

SPARKY: That ultimatum didn't work out the way I wanted it to.

SCENE 11

iCarly Elementary School

Exterior Playground

Seattle, Washington

Sparky is walking out of the lunchroom when he sees RK drinking cans of ginger ale on a bench. His hair is messed-up and he has bags in his eyes to look drunk.

SPARKY: Dude, are you drinking away your sorrows again?

RK: It's the only thing I CAN do. You know what? I'm sick and tired of girls. From this point forward, Ryan Kennedy Jennings is a homosexual.

SPARKY: I don't think we really need two. But RK, even if Ashley didn't work out, maybe you were never meant to date her in the first place. You two looked so incompatible, even as friends. Some separation is good for both of you.

RK: I guess. At this point, it's probably for the best if I start dating more guys. Do you know if Wade's doing anything Friday night?

(long pause; Sparky looks bewildered)

SPARKY: No, but I'll let you know. You have more soda? I need to drink too.

RK: Sure. What's eating you? WHO'S eating you?

(RK tosses Sparky a can of Seagram's)

SPARKY: It's Jaylynn. Turns out Emily doesn't really want to be friends with her.

RK: No way!

SPARKY: Yeah. Her, her best friend, and her boyfriend are just working her in an attempt to humiliate her. It's all a hoax. A con. Parlor tricks covered in flim-flam.

RK: Ugh, I felt the same way when I finished watching the seventh season of _Boy Meets World. _You know, for a show that had so much wonder, its decline was (bleep) hard to watch.

SPARKY: Rachel was NOT hot. (sips his can of Seagram's and does a spittake) Dude, don't you have any Canada Dry?!

RK: Yeah, but you don't like Seagram's?

SPARKY: No way, man. (gets tossed a can of Canada Dry from RK's cooler) Way too much filling. Schweppes is OK but nothing beats Canada Dry. (takes a sip of his can of Canada Dry) I just wish I could find out exactly what Emily is doing and prove to Jaylynn that she's poison.

RK: I'm sure you'll think of something. But seriously, Wade? Friday night? Find out.

(Sparky angrily stares at RK)

RK: What? I'm trying to score a date, not lure kids into John Wayne Gacy's basement.

("Poison" by Bell Biv DeVoe playing in the background)

Sparky is spying on Emily (especially when she's hanging out with Jaylynn) to find out what her plans are. Meanwhile, RK is doing his absolute best to ignore Ashley. Buster and Wade, trying to compensate for having no girlfriends of their own, do what any single straight guy would do: Look at pictures of girls/women they find attractive. Among those include Alyssa Milano, Christina Perri, Milana Vayntrub, Alex Morgan, Carly Foulkes, Lorde, Ariana Grande, and Ronda Rousey. The montage ends with Sparky not getting any key information, but it's important to point out that he gets hurt in every attempt. This includes falling out of a tree, getting attacked by a squirrel and crashing his bike into a tree (which leads to the same squirrel from earlier to come down the tree and attack him again).

SCENE 12

Ken Griffey, Jr. Park

Interior Main Field

Seattle, Washington

(sitting on a bench, sporting a black eye and a neck brace) SPARKY: OK, maybe I should just give up. It's not like Emily and her friends are just going to reveal their plan where Jaylynn is in the position to hear said plan.

(Interestingly enough, that's exactly what's about to happen; Jaylynn is listening to music on the other side of the park when she hears Emily and her friends talking trash behind her back. She conceals herself by hiding behind a tree)

EMILY: I'm getting sick and tired of hanging around that loser. You know, she was actually not that bad at first, but she turned into a creep in seconds.

LAUREN: From the minute you told me about her, I knew she was a weirdo. I think she's even starting to follow you around.

ISAIAH: She's a lapdog who kisses the ground you walk on.

EMILY: Let's just get this over with. Valentine's Day is tomorrow and I want that freak to get what's coming to her.

(Jaylynn starts crying and power walks out of the park; Sparky saw the whole thing)

SPARKY: I knew it!

(An old lady who happened to walking by looks at Sparky confusingly)

SPARKY: What?! Can't a ten-year-old talk to himself in peace?!

SCENE 13

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(on his cellphone) SPARKY: Yeah, Buster? No, Pepsi's no longer the choice of a new generation. It's Jennifer Lawrence now. OK, bye.

(Jaylynn comes in, having cried some more)

SPARKY: I really need to remember to lock that door.

(looking at the floor, dejected) JAYLYNN: You were right. About everything. Emily's just working me.

SPARKY: Excuse me?

(still looking at the floor) JAYLYNN: You. Were. Right.

(long pause)

SPARKY: You know, Jaylynn, I really hate to be the gloating type, but I think I deserve it this time. Play my music, Bob!

(Sparky starts dancing to the remix of the _Moesha _theme song while a sad Jaylynn stares at him)

SPARKY: Man, that song is FUNKY! Now, back to serious business. Jaylynn, I'm glad you finally came to your senses. Emily Marquez is nothing but poison. And so are her friends.

JAYLYNN: I'm really sorry, Sparky. I should've believed you from the jump. It's just Emily was the first person I ever fell for and I was so blind to the facts, I was willing to believe HER over my best friend.

SPARKY: It's OK, Jaylynn. But we can't dwell on this for too long. Valentine's Day is tomorrow and we need to figure out how to get revenge.

JAYLYNN: We're going to hit her before she hits me?

SPARKY: Exactly. Nobody thinks they can (bleep) around with my friends and get away with it.

(Sparky gets another call; his ringtone is "Can't Hold Us" by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis featuring Ray Dalton)

SPARKY: Talk to me. Yeah, Buster? No, I don't have a crush on Larisa Oleynik! BYE!

(Sparky hangs up)

SPARKY: I'm getting real tired of this Alex Mack association.

SCENE 14

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

Emily is sitting with Lauren and Isaiah when Sparky and Jaylynn come. Sparky has a baseball bat covered in barbed wire and Jaylynn has a sledgehammer. The two forcibly clear the table.

EMILY: YO, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!

ISAIAH: You want to scrap?

SPARKY: SIT DOWN!

ISAIAH: Sure, what's on your mind?

SPARKY: Have you guys been harassing my friend here?

LAUREN: No, your friend harassed Emily. She didn't even want to be her friend anymore until she came up with this plan.

JAYLYNN: You should've known I felt sorry for what I did! And then you threatened me!

LAUREN: Because you're crossing the line by stalking my best friend and making her feel uncomfortable. What part of that don't you understand?

SPARKY: So, you make the situation worse instead of squashing it completely?

ISAIAH: We did. But your faggot friend didn't get the memo.

SPARKY: DON'T YOU EVER CALL MY FRIEND A FAGGOT AGAIN!

(Sparky hits Isaiah in the head with the baseball bat)

LAUREN: OH MY GOD!

(Lauren attacks Jaylynn, but she bodyslams Lauren onto the table and handcuffs her to it)

LAUREN: If you think...

(Jaylynn hits Lauren in the head with the sledgehammer)

SPARKY: Emily, I know you have everything you've ever wanted. And I know that Jaylynn had really bad judgment. But what you did only made things worse. You were committing a form of bullying that can be used against you.

EMILY: Shut the (bleep) up, you can't prove anything.

SPARKY: Both Jaylynn and I overheard what you were planning to do. And there are several other kids I've talked to that have some very negative things to say about who you are as a person.

EMILY: I said, shut the (bleep) up!

SPARKY: And I said, you're a bully!

(Jaylynn slaps Emily in the face and in the back of her head, and she starts crying)

SPARKY: Listen to me right NOW. I'm not this kind of person nine times out of ten. But you seriously hurt one of my best friends when all they did was think about you constantly and care about your happiness. How do you and your friends mistreat people like this? What, I don't like you so I'm going to put up a front so I can humiliate you? Emily, you're a liar, a punk, a manipulator, and a disgusting little asshole that feeds off the misery of others to make you feel better about your own pathetic life. Now take these words home and think it through. Or the next rhyme I write might be about you. Jaylynn?

JAYLYNN: You have no right to be happy after the way you played with me. How could you do that to me? You almost turned me against my best friend. You tried to sick your best friend on me. And you made me feel like unimportant trash. What are you? A cold-hearted bitch with no soul? Obviously.

(crying up a storm) EMILY: I'M SORRY, JAYLYNN! I'M SO, SO SORRY! FOR EVERYTHING! I NEVER WANT TO MAKE YOU FEEL THIS WAY AGAIN, PLEASE BELIEVE ME!

JAYLYNN: I don't believe a damn thing you just said. I was going to hit you with this sledgehammer to show you how I felt but, you don't deserve it. You're not good enough.

(Jaylynn leaves the lunchroom while Emily continues crying)

SPARKY: And if I EVER find out you're hurting my friends or anybody close to me again, I'll come find you and I'm going to make sure you never hurt anybody else, you understand me?!

(looking at the table with eyes closed) EMILY: Yes.

SPARKY: LOOK AT ME WHEN I TALK TO YOU, YOU UNDERSTAND ME, DAMMIT?!

EMILY: YES, I PROMISE I'LL NEVER HURT JAYLYNN OR ANYBODY ELSE EVER AGAIN!

SPARKY: Actions and deeds, Marquez. Not words and lip service. Remember that.

(Sparky leaves the lunchroom of shaken students, then comes back to steal Emily's glasses)

SPARKY: You don't deserve to wear these.

(Sparky throws Emily's glasses on the floor and smashes them with his baseball bat, then officially leaves the lunchroom)

SCENE 15

iCarly Elementary School

Exterior Entrance

Seattle, Washington

RK, Buster, and Wade are standing next to RK's car.

BUSTER: So what now, man? You're just going to stop talking to Ashley?

RK: That's what she wanted. Maybe one day we'll fix things, but I have nothing to say to her.

WADE: You know, you were always more comfortable and compatible with Sanna. I don't think you should just let that flame go out.

RK: I don't know about that. All I know is that Ashley Rodriguez was never meant to be my friend. Hey, Sparky! Jaylynn! Guys want a ride?

SPARKY: Nah.

JAYLYNN: I'm good.

RK: OK, see ya! Let's go, guys. Looks like Carpool Friday will have to wait.

(RK gets in his car to drive home Buster and Wade)

SPARKY: We're facing some serious suspension time.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, but it was so worth it. I mean, all of Emily's tears and the fact that we nearly sent her punk posse to the hospital?

SPARKY: I know, right? It was like, hit Isaiah, then he said "ow."

JAYLYNN: And then Lauren, she went "ow."

SPARKY: Then Emily started crying like a Boy Scout at the Vatican.

JAYLYNN: Yes.

SPARKY: She had one tear.

JAYLYNN: Yes.

SPARKY: Then another tear.

JAYLYNN: Yes!

SPARKY: Then another tear.

JAYLYNN: YES!

SPARKY: Then another.

JAYLYNN: YES!

SPARKY: Then another!

JAYLYNN: YES!

SPARKY: THEN ANOTHER!

JAYLYNN: YES!

SPARKY: THEN ANOTHER!

JAYLYNN: YES!

SPARKY: THEN ANOTHER!

JAYLYNN: YES!

SPARKY: THEN ANOTHER!

JAYLYNN: YES!

(Sparky and Jaylynn sigh in relief, then look up and see Halley)

SPARKY: Oh, happy Valentine's Day, Halley.

(long pause)

HALLEY: This was so worth coming to school today.

(black screen)

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party!)" by the Beastie Boys playing in the end credits)

©2014 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS

IN MEMORY OF PHILIP SEYMOUR HOFFMAN

1967-2014

GIFTED, ADMIRED, REMEMBERED

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

NEXT SUNDAY, TWO NEW EPISODES TO CELEBRATE THE NBA ALL-STAR GAME: A DOUBLEHEADER!


	2. Savin' All My Hate for You Backstage Pas

PRODUCTION/CULTURAL REFERENCES

-The episode title is a reference to the song "Saving All My Love for You" by Marilyn McCoo and Billy Davis, Jr. It was made most famous by Whitney Houston for her debut album in 1985. The title also represents the dark themes of the episode.

-The A-plot was inspired by a situation with the real-life Emily Marquez. I had a crush on her around Christmas vacation and I messaged her a lot. I just wanted to be friends even though the attraction was there, but her friend Lauren told me that Emily was really annoyed and didn't want to be friends anymore. Isaiah said the same thing but his message went to spam or something because I didn't see it for weeks. He's not that bad but he has the same problem as Lauren: They make the problem worse as soon as they find out there is one. So basically, Emily is a liar and a coward. I only wish I could've gotten back at her like Jaylynn did. I like injecting personal experience into the show. It helps give me a chance to deal with my problems and the characters more realism.

-In real-life, Isaiah is not Emily's boyfriend. But I don't know who it is, and he WAS part of that whole scrap, so it was easier to just put him in that role.

-The mint argument between RK and Jaylynn was taken from the _Who's the Boss? _episode "Boozin' Buddies," where Sam and Bonnie have the same argument. RK was Bonnie and Jaylynn was Sam. Of course, the original argument was shorter and more of a throwaway joke if anything else.

-Buster's emotional breakdown in the lunchroom references the _Full House _episode "The Producer" when he says "Like I'm...like I'm...like I'm Freddy Krueger."

-It was high time to put critics of _Family Guy _on blast. It's not as witty as it used to be (especially Seasons 1-5) and the jokes hit less but it's still capable of great episodes and great humor. Stop it, the bitching is getting old.

-Initially, Super Bowl XLVIII wasn't going to be mentioned because of "Super Bowl Cum-Day II," but it had to happen. The most I could do was have it mentioned outside the context of the episode. That's why next season, there won't be a Super Bowl episode. In the past two years, noteworthy things have happened: The blackout at Super Bowl XLVII, and the Seahawks' utter domination this year. I want to give the characters the opportunity to comment on the game without muddying up the storyline.

-The extremely ironic part about the Super Bowl now is that because of what happened, some believe the Seahawks paid the Broncos to throw the game. :)

-There's a lot of irony having Buster be the one to comment on things that don't make sense or be the most self-aware, due to his personality.

-This is not the end of the RK/Ashley drama. I plan to wrap it up before the end of Season 2 so stay tuned.

-RK has no attraction to Wade. He's just really desperate.

-The black guy cutaway was written when I was in the library. I actually overheard a fat black kid talking to a much younger black kid. That fat kid was so funny, and most of what he said was put in the cutaway.

-The last two sentences of Sparky's speech to Emily was a reference to "Shook Ones (Part II)" by Mobb Deep, where Prodigy says the exact same thing.

-RK saying "OH, NICK MATEO!" is a double reference to the character Nick Mateo from _Drake & Josh, _and the _Kenan & Kel _episode "Attack of the Bug Man." In the episode, Kenan's house is robbed, and he tries to keep his family from coming back home and finding out. He fakes tripping and falling at the pizza place his family went to to save time. Of course, when Kenan tripped and fell, I have no idea what he said. It sounded like "Nick Mateo" so I used it.

-Sparky and Jaylynn celebrating over what they did to Emily, Lauren, and Isaiah is a reference to a September 2012 segment of _WWE Monday Night RAW, _where Daniel Bryan and Kane celebrate over attacking several tag teams with steel chairs on _Friday Night SmackDown _three nights before.

-This episode was dedicated to Philip Seymour Hoffman, widely regarded as one of the greatest actors in the history of film. Hoffman (46 at the time of his death) died on February 2, 2014 as a result of a drug overdose in his office in West Village, Manhattan, New York. I don't know Hoffman that well, but I remember that joke _Family Guy _made a while back that involved in. Plus, he was good in his guest role on _Arthur_. Like I said, that's the only exposure I've had to him.

-I meant what I said, and I said what I meant, and I will be right, 100 percent. Next week, for the first time ever, two episodes of _Thank You, Heavenly _will premiere on the same night, in celebration of the NBA All-Star Game. It's a stupid reason, I know, but the Veteran's Day thing didn't work out so I really want to make up for it. In the first one ("Cinema Thieves"), RK sneaks into the _RoboCop _remake with Wade, Buster, and Jaylynn, as a way to get back at the movie industry for poor customer service. However, the plan is ruined, and it leads to RK & Jaylynn vs. Buster & Wade, with Sparky as referee. In the second episode ("No Snow Job's Chance in Hell"), a major snowstorm takes control of the Northwest, including Seattle. And sick and tired of the constant labor that shoveling brings, Wade invents a machine that gets rid of snow in a flash. It becomes a hit, but when similar machines are made, Wade might have to put style over substance in an attempt to keep his customers happy. So get ready for an hour of _Thank You, Heavenly _next Sunday! :)


End file.
